Ninetieth
So today I officially started paying off my student loans. It’s so incredibly depressing to know that I built up all that debt without having anything to show for it, stomach turning really. I know that for the most part it’s my own fault but if anything that makes me feel even worse. I could have lowered the monthly amount to be paid but as I mentioned before I decided not to. Though I have to say, this thing hit me a bit harder than I expected. Seeing those amounts of money on paper is just depressing. The time I wasted while I was in college, failing to see that I was on a dead end at an early stage, continuing something which was pretty much hopeless from the start.
It’s not that I didn’t learn anything in that time, in fact I learned a lot, just nothing to show for it. It however also has resulted in me not knowing what I want to do, so I mean besides these side projects like the script writing, as I know the chances of having a true future in that are slim. In the job department the job listings don’t fill me with confidence either, it’s not that there are no jobs at all but do I just take any job? I mean if it’s a horrible job it might only make more miserable. Then again, in my current job I’m also miserable, I don’t make that much money, the customers are in a lot of cases beyond rude and complete assholes. The co-workers are nice (not all though) but that doesn’t really compensate.
I was also thinking about other ways of making money but I’ve been down that road. I tried running a website I believe in but all it resulted in was a failed website which a couple of visitors liked but the large crowd never found. There are just too many sites out there to truly compete, especially when you’re in a limited subject and try to keep a high moral standard. Plenty of sites with the same subject but in my eyes they’re run by assholes. Sure, I’d like a site with a lot of hits but I’m not going to give up my moral values just to achieve that. Or maybe my moral values are just too high at times. Or maybe that one great idea still escapes my mind.
With my dieting plan I also have a bit of an issue now. The one thing you should not do is to have food on your mind all the time but guess what, I’m sort of failing at that right now. Not that it makes me do things I don’t want to do right now it just shouldn’t be there. I’m actually mostly preoccupied what other healthy things I could eat. Things like that can wait until it’s time to cook my dinner really, not during the rest of the day. I don’t know if’s the dieting but I really hate that I wake up every morning due to nature calling, I really didn’t have to get up at 5.45 am this morning but nature made me.
So yes there are far too many things on my mind right now and it’s not a place I want to be in, not at all. Especially since in the big picture they are so minor, that’s why they are called personal issues though. I need an escape, now I just need to find it or it has to fine me.